Videos about mental health have become common on TikTok and other social media apps. Ideally, these videos can promote both awareness and understanding. Unfortunately, some creators misuse or intentionally misrepresent terms such as trauma bonding, which can lead to the spread of harmful misinformation.
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Understanding Trauma Bonding
A trauma bond is a powerful emotional connection that a victim of an abusive relationship forms with the perpetrator of the abuse.
These types of relationships typically begin with extreme, often ostentatious displays of affection by the perpetrator. Commonly known as “love bombing,” these acts are designed to deceive the victim into believing that they have formed a solid relationship with a person who truly cares about them.
Once the perpetrator has gained the victim’s trust, they will begin to engage in a variety of manipulative behaviors that are designed to create a sense of dependency while gradually eroding the victim’s self-esteem.
Signs of Trauma Bonding
It can be difficult to recognize trauma bonding, but if you suspect that someone you care about is in this type of a relationship, here are five signs to watch for.
1. Excuses
Victims in trauma bonding relationships will almost reflexively dismiss, downplay, or make excuses for clearly inappropriate behaviors by the perpetrator. This can include blaming themselves for the perpetrator’s actions. Common excuses include:
- “They’ve just been under a lot of stress lately.”
- “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have provoked them.”
- “They’re not usually like this. Something must really be bothering them.”
- “They didn’t mean what they said. They were just making a joke.”
Reasons for why victims may feel the need to make these and similar statements can include evidence of physical violence (such as scratches and bruises), verbally abusive statements, and acts of aggression toward themselves and others.
2. Isolation
At the beginning of a relationship, it’s common for people to want to spend more time with each other than they do with friends or even some family members. But there’s a dramatic difference between the infatuation of early love and the isolation of trauma bonding.
If a friend cancels plans once in a while because they have a date, that may be annoying to you, but it’s not necessarily a red flag. But if they constantly turn down opportunities to get together, or drop out of your social circle entirely, that can be a sign of a serious problem.
Limiting contact with loved ones is a way for perpetrators to exert greater control over their victims and increase their sense of dependency. Enforced isolation also reduces opportunities for victims to reveal what they’ve been going through.
3. Obsession & Dependence
To someone who isn’t a victim of trauma bonding, the solution to being in an abusive relationship seems simple: Just leave.
For the actual victim, though, the psychological manipulation that they have undergone can make it extremely difficult to take this step.
As their self-worth is degraded and their confidence erodes, victims of trauma bonding can become obsessed with – and totally dependent upon – the perpetrator.
Factors that can contribute to this include being isolated from other sources of support, having restricted access to money, being continuously told they are worthless, and becoming convinced that they are responsible for the abuse they have endured.
4. Hypervigilance
When a person encounters an imminent threat, their body will automatically trigger a variety of short-term physical and psychological reactions that are referred to collectively as the “fight or flight” response.
In the presence of an actual threat, this can be a life-saving function. But when a person experiences particularly severe or ongoing trauma, they can enter a continued state of fight or flight. This harmful development is referred to as hypervigilance.
External indicators of hypervigilance include:
- Constantly looking around or scanning their environment for signs of danger
- Persistent nervousness and/or restlessness
- Reflexively flinching or recoiling when someone near them makes a sudden movement
- Catastrophizing, or always assuming that the worst possible outcome in any scenario is likely to occur
In addition to being a sign of trauma bonding, hypervigilance can also be a symptom of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), certain anxiety disorders, and other mental health conditions.
5. Guilt & Shame
These emotions have been touched on previously in this post, but they merit their own entry as well. Even when victims of trauma bonding understand that they are being abused, they may justify that abuse by claiming (and believing) that they brought it on themselves.
If only they acted “correctly,” they think, the perpetrator would treat them better.
In addition to thinking that they are responsible for their own mistreatment, victims who develop this self-defeating mindset may also believe that they have harmed the perpetrator by “forcing” them to act in an abusive manner.
Ways to Break a Trauma Bond
As alluded to earlier, breaking a trauma bond is not easy. Not only can it be difficult for a victim to physically get away from a perpetrator in some cases, but it can be extremely hard to overcome the psychological dependence that connects them to the person that has been harming them.
If you have become trapped in this type of abusive relationship, please don’t give up hope. Here are a few steps that can help you break the trauma bond and start building a healthier life for yourself:
- Acknowledge the reality of your situation. Before you can break a trauma bond, you need to understand that you are being victimized by an abusive person. You don’t deserve what has been happening to you, nor have you caused it.
- Reconnect with friends and family: If you have become isolated from those who care about you, now is the time to start rebuilding those connections. Your loved ones can be essential sources of tangible assistance and emotional support.
- Set and enforce healthy boundaries: You aren’t required to give your former partner “one more chance.” You don’t need to accept their calls, respond to their texts, or otherwise interact with them. The only person who gets to decide what is acceptable to you is you.
- Practice self-care: There are many ways to accomplish this, such as eating healthy food, going for walks or bike rides, spending time with people you enjoy being with, meditating, and writing in your journal.
- Talk to a professional: You have gone through a traumatic experience. Even if it hasn’t resulted in PTSD, that doesn’t mean you haven’t been affected. Entering a treatment program or scheduling sessions with a therapist or counselor can help you address the impact of what you’ve been through.
Learn More About Treatment for Co-Occurring Trauma in Atlanta
Retreat of Atlanta is a premier source of personalized outpatient addiction treatment for adults who have also been struggling trauma and other co-occurring mental health concern.
Our center is a safe and supportive place where you can expect to receive customized care from a team of compassionate professionals who truly care about you.
To learn more about how we can help, or to schedule a free assessment, please visit our Admissions page or call us today.